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Marriage is built on a foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect. But even the strongest foundations can develop cracks when certain words slip into the daily dialogue. One careless phrase, spoken in the wrong moment or with the wrong tone, can echo longer than intended. Over time, those words can wear down the bond that once felt unbreakable. There’s one particular phrase—just seven words long—that has the power to quietly unravel everything.
The phrase? “You’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal.”
These seven words may seem harmless in passing, but they carry the weight to undermine, invalidate, and ultimately distance partners from each other. Let’s explore how and why this phrase can do so much damage.
It Dismisses Emotional Validity
When someone shares how they feel, it’s not the facts they’re most concerned with—it’s the emotions. Saying “you’re overreacting” sends a loud message: your feelings aren’t appropriate or acceptable. Over time, this creates emotional walls and discourages honest communication. Partners may begin to internalize that their feelings don’t matter in the relationship. What once was a safe space becomes a place of judgment and rejection.
It Erodes Trust in Communication
Trust isn’t just about fidelity; it’s also about believing your partner will truly hear you. When responses like “it’s not a big deal” become habitual, one partner starts to feel that vulnerability comes with a cost. They may choose silence over sharing, bottling up emotions to avoid being brushed off again. That silence doesn’t mean peace—it’s a quiet warning sign of emotional detachment. Eventually, the lack of open communication becomes a breeding ground for resentment and confusion.
It Minimizes the Other Person’s Experience
No one likes being told their reality isn’t real. When a person says they’re upset or hurt, it’s not helpful—or healthy—to try to shrink the situation to fit someone else’s comfort. Saying “it’s not a big deal” minimizes their experience and puts the speaker in a position of emotional authority. That imbalance creates resentment because it denies the other person’s right to feel and process things differently. In relationships, validation doesn’t always mean agreement, but it does mean respect.
It Shifts the Focus to Defensiveness
Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, this phrase often flips the script. The hurt partner now has to defend why they feel the way they do, rather than being supported in expressing it. The result is an emotional tug-of-war where empathy loses and ego wins. Conversations become battles for justification rather than mutual understanding. In the long term, this dynamic chips away at emotional intimacy and fuels distance.
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It Introduces Contempt Into the Relationship
Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce, and dismissive language is one of its early warning signs. Saying someone is overreacting implies superiority, as though one person is more rational, composed, or in control. That subtle message of “I’m right, you’re irrational” seeds a dynamic that’s hard to undo. Over time, this contempt can grow roots, turning conversations toxic and interactions cold. Once contempt sets in, it becomes much harder to rebuild emotional safety.
It Prevents Conflict Resolution
Healthy conflict can actually strengthen relationships when handled respectfully. But using this seven-word phrase shuts down the chance to work through conflict productively. If one partner feels dismissed, the core issue rarely gets resolved, just buried. And what’s buried often resurfaces later—more intense, more painful, and more damaging. Instead of learning how to work through problems, the couple learns how to avoid them.
It Breeds Emotional Loneliness
Marriage is supposed to be a place of connection—a deep emotional companionship. But when feelings are repeatedly invalidated, one or both partners begin to feel emotionally alone. Loneliness inside a relationship can be more painful than solitude outside one. That sense of not being seen, heard, or understood slowly eats away at the bond. Over time, physical proximity may remain, but the emotional connection fades into the background.
Empower, Do Not Deman In Your Marriage
Words carry power—especially the ones repeated during moments of conflict or frustration. “You’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal” may feel like a quick way to dismiss tension, but its effects linger far beyond the moment. It tells a partner that their emotions are unwelcome, unnecessary, or excessive—something no one wants to hear from the person they trust most. The good news is, awareness of harmful language can lead to change. Replacing judgment with empathy can stop a crack from becoming a collapse.
Have you heard or said this phrase before? What impact did it have on your relationship or communication? It’s important that you share your insight so you can help others in a similar situation.
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