Everybody Loves Your Money

I’ve been reading Rob Cockerham’s website for a long time.  He’s done some pretty funny things over the years.  If you’ve never spent any time surfing around his site, I’d highly recommend it.  His latest "project" had him posting a "found money" listing on Craigslist.  He was curious to see what kind of a response he’d get.  He’s convinced one group was trying to pull one over on him to get the cash.  I’d have to agree.  Anyway, it’s worth the read:

http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/found/found.php

A few of my other favorites from over the years:

The torn up credit card application:

http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/creditcard/application.shtml

Altering the menus of restaurants:

http://www.cockeyed.com/pranks/menu/menu01.html

The "Work at Home" Herbalife report:

http://www.cockeyed.com/workfromhome/workfromhome.html

Everyone likes an instantly wealthy person.  I have a special fondness for the newly rich.  No, I don’t have a business proposition for you.  Nope, don’t need a loan either.  I just care about you and your pile of cash.  I want you to be successful like my good friend Brad Duke.  (okay, he’s not my good friend and he doesn’t even know me, but I have a lot of respect for him.)  Good old Brad Duke is one of the few lottery winners that hasn’t had to go back to eating Top Ramen.

Why is it that lottery winners so often find themselves broke and depressed after only a few years from winning their loot?  Well, there are a ton of pitfalls they encounter.  Let’s look at a few of them.

Cousin Earl:

Just about everyone has a cousin Earl.  You know the guy.  Scraping by month to month on a low income from an entry level job.  You won’t even have the oversized 2 foot by 4 foot check in your hand before Earl calls.  “Hey good buddy.  I heard you won the lottery.  Can you help me out a bit?  If I can just get a little bit of cash, I can finally get myself out of this dead end future and on to bigger and better things.”  Earl most likely won’t boost himself up with your new winnings.  There’s a good chance that Earl will hire himself a few working ladies and buy a few rounds at his favorite watering hole.  Don’t give Earl a nickel.

Old high school buddy:

Geez.  You haven’t talked to old Bob for 20 years.  It was great to hear his voice.  I’m sure it was a coincidence that Bob called you two days after you won the lottery.  I bet he just saw your name in the paper and said, “Gosh, I haven’t seen him forever.  I’m gonna see what he’s up to.”  Except, Bob knows what you are up to.  You are up to your eyeballs in cash and he wants to get a little taste.  Tell Bob it was good to hear from him and you’ll give him a call in 20 years.

Concerned Citizens for the Preservation of Spam:

Spam (the meat byproduct) is an important part of our society.  Hell, it’s an important part of this world.  Of course that depends on who you ask.  If you ask the Concerned citizens for the preservation of Spam, they’ll tell you that there is a serious crisis.  Spam sales are down.  The security of our country is at risk.  I mean, if we had a huge man made or natural disaster and the assembly lines weren’t cranking out adequate volumes of Spam, we could all starve.  It’s all crap.  Don’t worry.  We won’t all die if they don’t build a museum of Spam history.  We’ll be okay if you don’t personally give some of your newfound wealth to Spam Incorporated.  Hint: Don’t get too caught up with the Spam theme.  If you win the lottery, you will be approached by every organization on the planet asking for money.  Tell them all to move on.  There’s no gravy for them in your gravy train.

Are you starting to get the idea?  Before you give a cent of the money away, think about how this money could benefit you in the future, as well as some well thought out charities or family members.  The key here is to get the money working for you.

Now, substitute lottery winnings with a few other windfall situations.  Inherit some money?  Same rules apply.  Just hit it big with the latest tech stock?  Same rules apply.  Is there a huge fountain of thick black oil coming up out of your lawn?  Same rules apply. 

Money is not a “here and now” thing.  If you win the lottery or come in to a large amount of money, stop thinking about the lump sum you are going to receive and start thinking about the income that lump sum is going to generate for you.  If you win $10 million dollars, it’s not really $10 million dollars.  It’s more like 5% of $10 million dollars each year for the rest of your life.  For all of you liberal arts majors (myself included) that comes to $500,000 every year for the rest of your life.

Okay.  Now that we’ve got all that out of the way.  If you recently won the lottery and have found any value in this post at all, please send a large donation to:

ELYM

PO Box 55543

Seattle, Wa 59102

Or better yet, leave a comment and I’ll contact you shortly.  (and by shortly I mean, the second I read your comment)

File this one under “amusing time waster”:

http://www.mcvideogame.com/game-eng.html

Someone took the time to build a Mcdonalds simulation.  I’m sure the folks at McDonalds aren’t very happy about it but if you give it 10 minutes, I think you’ll find it’s a bit addictive.

I was able to make decent money but I kept having to deal with pathetic employees, environmental groups, health conscious consumers, earth destruction and sick cows (to mention just a few of the things you’ll encounter in the game).  I think I’ll stick to my day job…….

Yeah, I know.  You aren’t supposed to care what other people think.  When I see pictures like the one below though, I often wonder what the rest of the world must think.  Looks like Materialism at it’s finest.  Bling bling!

I can only imagine how much those wheels and tires cost.  They probably cost more than the whole car is worth.  But, if they bought them from Rent and Roll they are probably sitting pretty with a $300 a month rental payment.  Well worth it when you consider the ladies you might attract.  </sarcasm>

Just when I thought I had heard everything, along comes this company that will sell you 52 fake ATM receipts that they’ll put any dollar figures you want on.  I’m sure that this is just a good prank for many people, but you know there are some people out there that will actually buy these in an attempt to be something they are not.  It’s keeping up with the Jones’ on a whole new level.  I suppose once these folks buy the receipts, they’ll then need to figure out a clever way of dropping them at just the right time so that someone they know will find them and think, “Oh my gosh.  He’s loaded!!”  Poor fools.

http://www.customreceipts.com

If you’d like to actually see a “REAL” copy of my ATM receipt, check it out here:

http://www.customreceipts.com/fake-atm-receipts/one-year-supply/?crcard=4136&crname=Hazzard&crdispensed=100.00&crbalance=749%2C000.85&crstage=2

Of course this is real and this is just my checking account.  I keep most of my money in my savings account so don’t think for a minute that I’m not a millionaire.

I love Craigslist.  Every now and then I browse through the “Best of Craigslist” posts.  Here was one from a guy trying to sell his couch.  I wonder if he was successful:

Couch - Very Uncomfortable, Red - $3.75

Hello. Here is my couch. I hate this couch and it needs to get out of my house. It is the worst couch I have ever seen. I sat on it and now I’m in a back brace. I let my dog have the couch, but then he died on it, so I don’t really need it anymore. I miss my dog and I hate this couch. I’m asking $3.75 for the couch because thats how much Buck’s favorite chew toy cost me each month. However, I’ll consider other offers. I would just throw this couch into the river, but I hurt my back sitting on the couch.
A little more about the couch:
I bought it 3 months ago.
I paid $900
It came from this swanky furniture place
I hate the couch
It is uncomfortable and will probably put you in a back brace

And here are a few good reasons NOT to be a landlord.  Dealing with people like this would drive me crazy.  I think I’ll just keep investing in the stock market:

The kind of landlord I am

1. Responsible for the weather
My building manager called to say one of the tenants wanted a discount for the days it was hot outside. Why? Because it was also hot inside. Their electricity is fine. They could run both air conditioners and fans and keep a supply of popsicles, just like I did in my apartment. My response: Will you pay extra if the weather is nice?

2. In charge of the animal kingdom
A tenant complained about mice. I sent over an exterminator several times. He stuffed steel wool in holes, baited traps, sprayed outside etc. Eventually he refused to go back because the tenant continued to leave open packages of food on the floor and counters. She insisted I was responsible for the problem. As if I commanded the mice to invade her house.

3. Menace to domesticated animals
One tenant was convinced I was poisoning her and her wooly mammoth dog with carbon monoxide. (What will I think of next?) Fire department went over there. Gas company went over there. City of Evanston sent an inspector. Everyone who tested got the same result. No discernable level. She tried to deduct $200 from her rent to pay for her vet bill. This woman also accused me of running a bicycle chop shop in the basement. And wanted me to compensate her for a parking ticket she got in front of my building.

4. Pet killer
I hired a carpenter to fix something. With the tenant’s permission, the carpenter went into the apartment. Apparently the act of opening the door scared the dog. The dog ran down a set of internal stairs, bumped his head and died six weeks later. This story was condensed to “Landlord killed my dog.” There are several neighbors who will not even say hi to me. One of whom made it his mission to make sure my landscaping is always in 100% compliance with arcane City ordinances.

5. Made of money
Tenant asked to break her lease because the price of her anti-depressants went up. No mention of the car she just purchased. Maybe she thought the hint of mental illness would scare or embarass me. She was three months into a twenty four month lease. 24 month lease she specifically asked for.

6. Heartless
Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy evicting single mothers at Christmas time. It takes months to evict and the landlord rarely recoups the back rent or court costs. FYI, I do not think it is more important to make your car payment. Thanks for asking.

Please pay your rent on time and remember, I am not omnipotent or an evil genius. A lease is a business arrangement.
And one more thing, why oh why wait until Sunday at 8pm to call and say your heat has been out since Friday afternoon? You call immediately if the microwave burns your popcorn.

This is a great article about those fraudelent emails we’ve all gotten asking for account information so that someone can transfer us millions of dollars.  All we need to do is send some money to them to cover the cost of transferring the money and we’ll be rich.  Yeah right.

There is a whole organization out there called 419eater.com.  The numbers 419 are used to represent the Nigerian legal code section that these violate.  There is an organized group of people that are actively engaging these people down in Nigeria, and I’m sure other areas of the world.  I found it very amusing that they were able to get a man to paint his chest and send a picture and even more hilarious that they were able to scam one of the scammers for $80.

It’s definitely worth reading.  It appears that the best defense against these people is to simply waste their time.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/3887493.stm

You look in the couch cushion for a down payment

Anything at your workplace is deep fried

You know any bill collector on a first name basis

Your car payment is more than 30% of your take home pay

You are on a payment plan at the local payday loan office

Your credit card minimum payment is more than 15% of your take home pay

You don’t know what “interest rate” means

You’ve never heard of a “fixed rate” mortgage

You can’t keep the $100 minimum in your checking account

You’ve been late paying the rent more than once this year

You think negative amortization is a good thing

You change jobs more than twice a year

You seek investment advice from the payday loan clerk

The current check number in your checkbook is 6

You have paid one credit card payment with a cash advance from another

You have more than $5000 on your credit cards

You cash your checks at a check cashing branch

Your bank account is in your ex-girlfriend’s brothers name

From: broknowrchlatr

You are not able to save money each month while renting

You have declared bankrupcy in the last 3 years - obviously you need to learn how to manage money

You have less than 5% to put down - PMI is terrible and 80/20 loans are risky (for most)

Your savings ratio matches the national average

From SavvySaver

You had to have a co-signer on your car loan

You have had anything repossessed in the last three years

You think leasing furniture and/or electronics is a good idea

You aren’t contributing enough to your 401(k) to get the full company match 

And I know you’ve got a few.  Let’s see how long we can make the list!  Leave them in the comments and I’ll add them in!

Well, I suppose it had to be too good to be true. I posted my “Top 13 Money Saving Ideas Of All Time” and one of those tips was to only use two squares of toilet paper. Then, only days later, Sheryl Crow comes out and says that you should only use one square of toilet paper. (Talk about extreme). Well, apparently Sheryl was just kidding. I think Sheryl just couldn’t hold up to the pressure.

Don’t back down Sheryl! Save some money, save the world! You just keep making that sacrifice each time you are in the bathroom and the world will be a better place.

Ken Lay’s children inherit 4000 pensions:

• http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56645

America Online To Build Three Million Home Pages For The Homeless:

• http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29147

Geico To Save 15% Or More By Discontinuing Advertising:

• http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33027

Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs:

• http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47978

And a visit to the Onion is never complete without some Knowledge from Hebert Kornfeld, the baddest azz Accountz Receivable Playa in the world:  (If bad words offend you, please visit Disney)

• http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25830