Everybody Loves Your Money

For those of you that would love to have a Snuggie for Christmas but just don’t feel like parting with the $13, I’ve got a hot tip for you:

Take any old fleece robe that you have in your closet and put in on backwards. Presto! It’s a homemade Snuggie.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This video cracked me up. It’s a woman who has taken a couple minutes out of, what I can only assume, is an action packed day of business meetings, to come tell the Santa Cruz city council how they can solve all their economic problems. Brilliant:

Well, I suppose ELYM has to be number one at something. As I was browsing through my referral links yesterday I noticed that I got a Google referral when someone searched for “How to save money on prostitutes“. Wow. I’m the number one search result.

Something tells me the guy paid full price……..

It sure is interesting to see the kinds of things people spend their money on.  Safe to say I wouldn’t be putting this kind of money in to this ride…….

“Think of inflation as your friend. Wouldn’t you like to wear $1,000 suits and smoke $100 cigars? I know I would.”

Heh.  Happy Friday.

It’s days like this that I can’t help but walk around the house smiling from ear to ear.  Why?  You may ask.  Well, it just so happens that I recently cashed out over $100,000 in investments to use for an alternative investment.  Let me explain.

A couple weeks ago I got an email from a nice man in Nigeria.  He found himself in quite a pickle.  He recently discovered that he is the sole heir to a massive inheritance from an uncle he barely knew.  Due to the unstable economy in Nigeria he isn’t able to take delivery of the funds.  That’s where I come in.  Since I’m in the U.S., I’m considered a suitable entity to receive the funds.  I know what you are thinking though.  What kind of a moron sends $$ millions of dollars to a guy in the U.S. that he hasn’t even met.  I was thinking the same thing.  Just when I thought it was probably hopeless, my friend in Nigeria had a plan.  I could build his trust by sending some money to him before he sends all the other money to me.  He has to send me the money anyway, so just adding my funds back in, along with his, would be no sweat.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I liquidated my investment accounts and sent the money electronically to my friend in Nigeria.  You can see why I’m smiling.  The market has it’s biggest one day loss EVER, and I’m just sitting here smugly waiting for the big payoff from Nigeria.

At this point, I’d say my great choice puts me at about the same risk as not having sold my investments in the first place!

I’ve been reading Rob Cockerham’s website for a long time.  He’s done some pretty funny things over the years.  If you’ve never spent any time surfing around his site, I’d highly recommend it.  His latest "project" had him posting a "found money" listing on Craigslist.  He was curious to see what kind of a response he’d get.  He’s convinced one group was trying to pull one over on him to get the cash.  I’d have to agree.  Anyway, it’s worth the read:

http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/found/found.php

A few of my other favorites from over the years:

The torn up credit card application:

http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/creditcard/application.shtml

Altering the menus of restaurants:

http://www.cockeyed.com/pranks/menu/menu01.html

The "Work at Home" Herbalife report:

http://www.cockeyed.com/workfromhome/workfromhome.html

Everyone likes an instantly wealthy person.  I have a special fondness for the newly rich.  No, I don’t have a business proposition for you.  Nope, don’t need a loan either.  I just care about you and your pile of cash.  I want you to be successful like my good friend Brad Duke.  (okay, he’s not my good friend and he doesn’t even know me, but I have a lot of respect for him.)  Good old Brad Duke is one of the few lottery winners that hasn’t had to go back to eating Top Ramen.

Why is it that lottery winners so often find themselves broke and depressed after only a few years from winning their loot?  Well, there are a ton of pitfalls they encounter.  Let’s look at a few of them.

Cousin Earl:

Just about everyone has a cousin Earl.  You know the guy.  Scraping by month to month on a low income from an entry level job.  You won’t even have the oversized 2 foot by 4 foot check in your hand before Earl calls.  “Hey good buddy.  I heard you won the lottery.  Can you help me out a bit?  If I can just get a little bit of cash, I can finally get myself out of this dead end future and on to bigger and better things.”  Earl most likely won’t boost himself up with your new winnings.  There’s a good chance that Earl will hire himself a few working ladies and buy a few rounds at his favorite watering hole.  Don’t give Earl a nickel.

Old high school buddy:

Geez.  You haven’t talked to old Bob for 20 years.  It was great to hear his voice.  I’m sure it was a coincidence that Bob called you two days after you won the lottery.  I bet he just saw your name in the paper and said, “Gosh, I haven’t seen him forever.  I’m gonna see what he’s up to.”  Except, Bob knows what you are up to.  You are up to your eyeballs in cash and he wants to get a little taste.  Tell Bob it was good to hear from him and you’ll give him a call in 20 years.

Concerned Citizens for the Preservation of Spam:

Spam (the meat byproduct) is an important part of our society.  Hell, it’s an important part of this world.  Of course that depends on who you ask.  If you ask the Concerned citizens for the preservation of Spam, they’ll tell you that there is a serious crisis.  Spam sales are down.  The security of our country is at risk.  I mean, if we had a huge man made or natural disaster and the assembly lines weren’t cranking out adequate volumes of Spam, we could all starve.  It’s all crap.  Don’t worry.  We won’t all die if they don’t build a museum of Spam history.  We’ll be okay if you don’t personally give some of your newfound wealth to Spam Incorporated.  Hint: Don’t get too caught up with the Spam theme.  If you win the lottery, you will be approached by every organization on the planet asking for money.  Tell them all to move on.  There’s no gravy for them in your gravy train.

Are you starting to get the idea?  Before you give a cent of the money away, think about how this money could benefit you in the future, as well as some well thought out charities or family members.  The key here is to get the money working for you.

Now, substitute lottery winnings with a few other windfall situations.  Inherit some money?  Same rules apply.  Just hit it big with the latest tech stock?  Same rules apply.  Is there a huge fountain of thick black oil coming up out of your lawn?  Same rules apply. 

Money is not a “here and now” thing.  If you win the lottery or come in to a large amount of money, stop thinking about the lump sum you are going to receive and start thinking about the income that lump sum is going to generate for you.  If you win $10 million dollars, it’s not really $10 million dollars.  It’s more like 5% of $10 million dollars each year for the rest of your life.  For all of you liberal arts majors (myself included) that comes to $500,000 every year for the rest of your life.

Okay.  Now that we’ve got all that out of the way.  If you recently won the lottery and have found any value in this post at all, please send a large donation to:

ELYM

PO Box 55543

Seattle, Wa 59102

Or better yet, leave a comment and I’ll contact you shortly.  (and by shortly I mean, the second I read your comment)

File this one under “amusing time waster”:

http://www.mcvideogame.com/game-eng.html

Someone took the time to build a Mcdonalds simulation.  I’m sure the folks at McDonalds aren’t very happy about it but if you give it 10 minutes, I think you’ll find it’s a bit addictive.

I was able to make decent money but I kept having to deal with pathetic employees, environmental groups, health conscious consumers, earth destruction and sick cows (to mention just a few of the things you’ll encounter in the game).  I think I’ll stick to my day job…….

Yeah, I know.  You aren’t supposed to care what other people think.  When I see pictures like the one below though, I often wonder what the rest of the world must think.  Looks like Materialism at it’s finest.  Bling bling!

I can only imagine how much those wheels and tires cost.  They probably cost more than the whole car is worth.  But, if they bought them from Rent and Roll they are probably sitting pretty with a $300 a month rental payment.  Well worth it when you consider the ladies you might attract.  </sarcasm>